An Article on Marriage
April 19, 2020
By Jewish law a section of the Torah is read in the synagogue four times a week. Men who attend services desire the opportunity to be called up for the reading but there is a hierarchy to follow on choosing people. If there is a Kohen available, he is called up first. If a Levi is present, he gets the second call. Among everyone else, if there is any man getting married that day he is called up. That is because his heart is singing of happiness. After the wedding the world acknowledges that these newlyweds have a guaranteed freedom, to make choices for themselves, without influence, and even close family members must let them live as they see fit. For hours there is dancing in high pitched happiness. The new couple is married and a new kind of life is about to start. They have no idea what they are in for because no matter how they pictured their marriage was going to be, they were wrong.
Does marriage function kind of the way the stock market does? There are times in history when it is desired and marriage is in a bull market, but there are times when alternative structures are preferred. The marriage is in a bear market. Is marriage in a bear market today? It seems so. People want to get in but shortly afterwards there is a big sell off, people get divorced. Some time back, marriage was considered the only viable adult lifestyle and the norm was to get married once. Today, getting married two or three times is not unusual. There are sandwich families, blended families, couples who do not want children, single sex families raising children, people who live together, threesomes, and here and there people get married and stay together for their entire adult lives.
The Bible is in favor of marriage. In fact, the book of Genesis begins with creation brings it up. After Adam and Eve are created, it states, man leaves his parents and clings to his wife becoming one flesh. That is marriage where the institution of marriage is first encountered. Since this verse directly follows the creation of man and woman, marriage is G-d’s number one focus. According to Jewish thought, a proper marriage has three partners: G-d and a husband and wife. We learn that forty days before a girl is born, it is announced in heaven, so-and-so will marry so-and-so. That tells us that everyone born has a single person they are supposed to marry. Yet we know, men and women do not always marry their soulmates. People have free choice and freedom to choose to find the one right person for you is next to impossible. How does one find his intended without getting it wrong? Even if they get it wrong, the couple is responsible to each other for ever after.
The United States of America is a free country. It may be as free as it gets anywhere in the world. What does that mean? Freedom was guaranteed to its citizens in the Declaration of Independence, written and signed in 1776 so since then, freedom has not been a choice one makes or something one earns, it is automatic, an inalienable right. Within freedom of choice, there is freedom to be yourself and freedom to stand up for what you believe in. You have the freedom to think your way without being influenced. It is freedom that gives the USA its special strength so it stands out, a cut above the other great countries. Some say there is too much freedom in America but it is seldom heard that there is not enough freedom. Outside of getting pulled over for traffic infractions, the average person doesn’t worry about being caught. In most cases, government officials do not arbitrarily arrest citizens and the average person will probably never find themselves in trouble with the law. Here is a description of life in America we all know so well: “Do your own thing.”
Sixty years ago, the average American adult was married, raising a family, had a home, and paid his way. Debt, depression and loneliness were not issues. Was life much easier sixty years ago: maybe. Were people more intelligent and made better decisions than we do? That can’t be. They were influenced to live the way they lived and we are influenced to live the way we do.
Today, we place an emphasis on being successful and we say, success is a choice. If you want your marriage to be successful, marry someone you love and don’t make big mistakes. Yet, we know that that is not true. Many people do not believe in themselves and the result is, they set themselves up for failure. It is common for people who do not believe in themselves, to marry another who is in the same position, and that is a recipe for disaster. Today we have a new kind of phenomena. There are people who are motivated to succeed, many are not in debt, they are not depressed and not lonely, and they believe in themselves. Yet, they fall out of love and get divorced. What is the answer?
Might we say, in recent years a huge percentage of the US population make use their freedom of choice to be depressed, to live in debt, to be lonely and have poor marriage relationships. Of course, that makes no sense and it is not true, but nevertheless that seems to be what happens. Let us be more specific in describing freedom of choice. One can say, poor choices will likely cause you to fall into unfortunate circumstances. That means, one is responsible for his own outcome and it all depends on one’s quality of choice. Let the best man win. Although this answer might sound right, it is incomplete.
Do people make poor choices because they are influenced to do so. Furthermore, might we be influenced by others, such as our parents, or the media who we do not even see. Can they influence our thoughts to the point that their messages lead us into making poor choices or do we do that to ourselves? For instance, if someone purchased a large home he couldn’t afford and soon afterwards he loses his job and his home, was that entirely his fault? He is blamed for purchasing a home he could not afford but was he influenced to make that purchase by societal messages we all hear. When two people marry, and one year later they get divorced, a marriage partner is blamed for choosing their partner blindly and for not working hard enough on their marriage relationship. Yet can at least part of the blame be placed on messages that influenced them. Regarding those who are depressed or lonely, one will say, everyone is, get on with life. Might it be that messages people receive influence them to be depressed and lonely? It is true that there is freedom of choice in America and in other free countries but over the years, societal messages have become so corrupt, their influence affects a majority of citizens into behaving in ways that destroy their plans and then their happiness.
The messages we receive have a purpose. They should advise us on how to make good decisions. They should come from others, influence us from a positive perspective and that is only when we need advice. Messages prepare the individual to judge the world and the acts of people correctly, with intelligence, and to seek out from each life experience a point to grow from. When needed, messages should influence us to perceive of trouble, and situations that are meant to take advantage of us, a trick or a lie, and then give us immediate advice on how to protect ourselves. They are meant to help us through difficult life challenges.
We are influenced by others from the time we are born. Messages we received since early childhood stay alive, influencing us through the subconscious mind. For example, an incident that took place on a school playground when you were in first grade may influence you for the rest of your life on the need to protect yourself. Yet, even if your memory of what happened, and the anxiety from the experience ended during childhood and you do not think about it on the conscious level anymore, it may come up over and over, day by day in the subconscious mind, and with it comes a plan on how to protect you. That message does not discriminate, it always comes up when trouble is perceived. It is passed to the conscious mind and one acts on that message without thinking it through. If the individual was attacked by a bully on a playground at that time, he may be ready to fight for his life in an instant, or run away. When one’s wife says emphatically, “That is the second time you forgot to bring back coffee,” a husband may scream at her as if she was the bully on the playground and have no inkling why that happened. No one is immune to the influences of the past.
There are three basic categories of influences that stay alive in the subconscious mind. We are influenced by our own gifts from birth, our abilities, our strength, our looks, our intelligence, personality and character. We call these influences “genetics”. We are influenced by our family and family friends and we call those “environmental influences”. They are outside influences. We are also influenced by messages in the media, social media, neighbors, other people, schools, teachers, books, businesses, governments, Wall Street, Madison Avenue, and anyone and anything else. They are also outside influences. We call that set of influences, “socialization.” All three types of influences, influence each other. All of them influence marriage. That means, before one’s marriage has a chance to shine and the love a loving couple has for each other has a chance to blossom into a loving relationship, any small scuffle that comes up can bring to light anxiety, personal baggage, weaknesses of character, and in each partner’s mind, everything negative event that ever happened to them, influences them against their partner. That means, that after ten or twelve small spats, the confidence the couple has in one another is already being challenged, be it, in most cases to a very small extent, if the love they have for each other is strong.
Genetics is a greatest influence. One is influenced by the way they feel. If you are of sound mind and sound body you are at a great advantage. One feels healthy and can use all of five of his senses. That gives one the confidence that is needed for success. If not, one may believe he is different, that he has deficits, a weakness, and he has a chip on his shoulder. He may look at others and think about the part of his body that isn’t good enough. He will likely have a problem with self- confidence. He also has strengths and weaknesses in character and personality which he is born with.
Environment is another influence. If one is raised in a loving, wealthy, social, educated, family, where there is respectful for one another and parents help their children solve all types of problems along the way, where there are no family secrets and most subjects are not taboo, children grow up with confidence, believe in themselves, and they can reach for the stars. When children are raised in families that have much less, the messages children receive about themselves at home take away confidence. In general, the more there are family deficits and corruption at home, the stronger one’s insecurities will be. If a young girl’s father cheated by going out with other women and that destroyed her family, she might have a problem trusting men. If one’s parents did not protect their youngest son or daughter from the brutal behaviors of their older children, they younger child has been set up to be frightened. After getting married, that person can shy away in self-protection each time his wife or her husband raises their voice. They may not be able to change their behavior throughout their marriage. Socialization, environment, and genetic have great impact on the success of a marriage.
Socialization begins in early childhood. For instance, children are often tracked into an educational plan before they reach kindergarten and that plan will eventually influence everything including marriage. Children are influenced by the way their friends behave, the attitude of a teacher, the material they are given to learn, music they listen to, the computer and tech devices, the level of honesty there is in their society, to buy products and to work so one can afford to buy products, how one responds to the aggressive behavior of other children and children who plotted against them, gambling, drugs, lying, getting caught or getting away with things, messages such as, you are cleaver or you are stupid, you are cool or you are a dope, you are friendly, or you are talented. One will stab you in the back and even a friend will stab you in the back by telling on you. Your puppy love relationships will end, there are other rejections, acceptances, demands, a message that defines how you should view marriage, death, money, the law, seeing others who have more wealth or more confidence than you have, or more luck breaks, and through all this, one learns to defend himself, fight back, get back, and get rid of the competition, or to run away for self-protection. What is one’s substance, if one is a surface person, he follows others, he copies what he sees and hears. There are others who are deep thinkers? In general society sets us up to have little substance and be interested in one’s self alone. Anything that happens influence one’s beliefs, one’s behavior and It all becomes one’s character and personality. It becomes an arsenal of weapons to be used. One also develops through socialization beliefs such as, people are good or people are evil. He learns, can members of the other gender be trusted or must I protect myself against them. That becomes one’s background and it is highly unlikely that anyone knows all this information about themselves sufficiently. That means you will not know how well prepared you are for marriage and even if you believe you found the one you want to marry for life, you do not know how that person will behave when there are disappointments.
Today, one’s environment is likely to be unhealthy which means the messages we receive through socialization are mostly corrupt. There is little belief in G-d, and one is directed at achieving success rather than being a good person and achieving success. In the past there were many behavior differences between the genders. Girls wanted to be feminine. Men wanted to romance women by bring them flowers, taking care of them and paying the bills. Men wanted to show off their masculine tendencies and receive back the message, I need you. Today, there are less gender differences and there is much less romance. Items cost more so two people work, and that is all a matter of socialization. That can mean there is less of a demonstration of love, trust, and affection in marriage then there used to be and expectations of the other may be more negative than positive.
Due to unhealthy messages people misuse freedom of choice. They make bad decisions and life forces them into paying a price. This is where life goes wrong for so many people. In America and other countries depression and loneliness are evidence that people have free choice and misuse it. Much of the US population is depressed, lonely, in debt, and regarding intimate relationships, especially marriage relationships, they do not work even though people are well intentioned, educated and put in effort. If we take away the percentage of first marriages that end in divorce, the number of them that are in separation, and the number of them where love has been lost, there may be only a few percentage points left for those who got married and remain in marriage bliss. In other words, the influences of corrupt messages on society have become responsible for the kinds of problems found everywhere. Societal issues that are so prevalent, they are accepted as the norm. We do not even question them, we accept them upon ourselves as if someone gave us a script saying here is your plan on how to live your life, now go do it. When things go wrong, everyone says, it is your fault.
We are influenced on how to make marriage work from the time we are born. When a mother cuddles her newborn, looking into her baby’s eyes with love, kissing it, and the baby is cooing, the baby is learning how to be intimate in the adult years. When a child is five years old, what he sees he will interpret as being love. If one’s parents are demonstrative, that is love but if there is violence at home, the subconscious mind will interpret those messages as being love. He will go out looking for someone to marry who will be violent. The child has internalized that violence as love. It may not take more than one time, for a five-year-old child to witness domestic violence and destroy his future. He is not aware that he has been wrongly influenced.
The scenario that was just discussed on marriage sounds dismal. It is, but there is a lot that you can do about it. For your marriage to work the way you want or wanted it to, there are just three things to get right. They are:
- Love your partner the way they want to be loved.
- Trust your partner or develop that trust.
- Be responsible.
These three positive behaviors keep marriage relationships safe and pleasurable.
Be aware: Corrupt messages from the past are influences. They bring up anger, aggression, and withdrawal.